Fisherman Ollie, From Jak and Daxter

I’ve had this suspicion for years. The Fisherman in Jak and Daxter never stops laughing. Like never. Ever. It’s constant, no matter how long you play that game, once you journey into the Forbidden Jungle which is also suspiciously named this guy is there, laughing his ass off. All day and all night. Now I’m no doctor, but I’ve diagnosed this guy with somesort obsessive compulsive disorder and most likely an array of other problems too.

Think about it, this guy is literally in hysterics. Some sort of manic fit. He needs help, but where is he going to get it at the bottom of this river? Yeah, he did well for himself. He got 200 pounds of fish for a messily power cell that he just had lying around. My theory is that after a couple of days passed this unfortunate soul literally laughed himself to death. He’s dead now and it’s all my fault because at the time I didn’t think about it too much, I just thought he was overtly happy because of all these fish. But no, sadly I was too late, and I’m writing this to make sure nobody does the same.

But there’s more to this. He not only laughed all the time, but he was constantly repeating himself, do you remember “oh that’s big one!” over and over. I think that this repetition is a defense mechanism possible caused from an abusive childhood.

I’m sorry Fisherman, I could have helped. But, I didn’t. R.I.P.


Goodnight Sweet Prince

Some Thoughts On Super Mario Bros.

Recently I wa playing Mario, I was playing as Luigi because I always do since for reasons I’ve thought about far too much he seems like the more badass of the two, and something crossed my mind. It is never mad explicitly clear in the games why Mario is saving Princess Peach but I think we can all assume it’s because he loves her and most likely she loves him as well, so of course he’s going to save her. But then I realised I was playing as Luigi. Does he love her as well? Does this cause conflict in their relationship, I find it amazing that the two have been able to work together as plumbers all these years without some sort of fist fight occurring.


So Damn Badass



But then I realised that Peach is actually the villain in all of this. What a fucking prick tease, allowing both of these brothers to come to her aid, and then give them the sweet embrace they get when they’ve finally saved her from Bowsers castles. How dare she. They’re brothers, and she’s whoring herself off to both of them! Then to make matters worse, she’s doing the same with Bowser. I mean it doesn’t make sense that he comes and kidnaps her again and again unless he’s getting some on the side as well.








 
 SLUT!!!

 I’ve also theorised that maybe there’s more to this than meets the eye. It’s possible that Bowser loves Peach unconditionally and she stays true to Mario while she’s in captive. But then that leaves the question of why Luigi is leaving scrubbing shit stained toilets to come to her aid? It is possible that Luigi has some sort of weird incestuous crush on Mario and he’s trying to impress Mario by emulating him?

It’s a sad state of affairs and maybe we should just leave those guys to it, it’s really not our business to pry I guess.


 
Poor Mario

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What Was Really Happening At Aaron Carter's Party?

'Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)' is in my opinion one of the greatest songs of all time, alongside ‘You Painted Your Teeth’ by Jandek and ‘The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)’ by the Romanian goddesses known as The Cheeky Girls. You probably remember it from your beloved copy of ‘Now That’s What I Call Music! 5’. Unfortunately the song hasn’t quite got the respect it deserves and people need to remember why they fell in love with Aaron Carter in the first place.

The song starts with Aaron going ‘Old School’ on us, and telling us how he always tries to be the fliest kid on the block, how popular he is, and something vague about the stockmarket. Then he decided to throw a party which he assures us people will be talking about for a month or even a year. So then Aaron forces all the fine girls to come, and tells his parents to fuck off.

The party goes great, and after snorting some ketamine and downing some jagur Aaron starts dancing on the table and everyone is having a real good time. But at this point this seemingly innocent song about a thirteen year old boy throwing a very adult party goes dark. The lyrics read:

                                      “Things are goin' great then to my surprise

                                     Some people walked in, I didn't recognize

                                      I said fellows yo, ya gotta get out

                                      (Hey man, I heard this was an open house)

                                     Open house? (Yeah, that's what the flyers said)

                                       I didn't put out flyers (Well somebody did)”

"I outta fuck you like I fucked Nick"

What the hell is going on here? I don’t know exactly what happened but someone is out to ruin Aaron Carters life, and if you just take a look at his career since this song, I think they succeeded. 

"Sit back and listen to sweet sounds of an artist who according to wikipedia establishing himself as a star among pre-teen and teenage audiences during the early-first decade of the 21st century."

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